I have been actually letting myself sit with my parents, its crazy. i am doing fine but i cant stop these little tears from going down my face, and i feel this, this... unexplainable guilt. Uhh, like sadness that i am trying to make better but wont. Jesse was supposed to call me back, he said he would, and i looked at the clock during the movie Ray and it was 11...i was so disappointed. Whats up with the tears though? Seriously, i have these thoughts going through my head Like scrolling, of how i am a failure and whatnot. Uhh, i feel like a junkie or something like i crave something. i feel sick, and i have a headache. My parents are being strangely nice and i just fake smile and walk into a room..."getting something to drink" or something like that. I seriously, seriously am getting worried about it, maybe i should check myself in a clinic, naw im only 16 wtf can i do?   When my mom notices next ill be like i dont know whats wrong with me. I just have these urges and i fucking cry hardcore, tears stream down my face out of nowhere. i know i am unhappy but this is pushing me.


im broken and i want to be better. I am sick...not like a flu but mentally ill.

-Randie *hey, at least i admit to it*

"i feel small"

FUCK FUCK FUCK...
thats all i can say right now, I woke up this morning and amanda was on the phone and she asked if i can come over and as soon as i asked my parents if it was okay i was just exploded with bitching. BLAH BLAH BLAH, i mean, i just asked if they would take me to amandas and they were yelling and they wouldnt stop, then my mom tried to read my diary and read about how when i turn 18 im going out of my house, fast.  I want to find a nice place with nice people to live, and whoever wants to follow me will. I have made myself not care about anyone but myself, jesse, and amanda.
   I have had one of those days, you know one where i wanted to kill myself and get it over with, but my mom was all telling me that its getting old, and i wonder if my friends think the same, i mean , fuck its not like i do it on purpose... for attention or anything. So i guess ill stop complaining to jesse and amanda, even michael, i would hate for them to get a phone call for me and im like man you wont believe what happened, and them be like "oh shit here we go again, she wants to kill herself, boo hoo" I saw Miranda at the underground and she was talking to me, she was all over some guy and i was like wtf you like jesse and justin, james, and then you are all over that guy, what a fucking whore...BUT then i was like hey im the same way i know how it is, i dont like to be alone and LOVE affection so i was like heh wtf, let her do her thing. Shes really nice, i feel like we have competition for each other over jesse, not a problem with me because  i will admit that she has him way before i would have him.
   So i wrote this great entry in my diary, one that if were read to my audience at my funeral...they would think twice about doing some of the shit that they do to people. Dee Dee came down and i was telling her about not going to be anything important and she made me think...maybe i could go to school, worry only about school, find a nice little job. Like it would be cool to open a little music exchange...like the meridian underground. so iwould have to have a degree in business....FUCK... but i can barely finish the fucking 10th grade...

hello yeah i got off the phone with michael. we talked for 180 minutes. wtf, it was great though. i found mirandas online journal. i mean, on accident. but she is obsessed, for real in jesse... like she just plainly said that she was. hmm, im not the only one in the world, and i give up on jesse. Theres not competetion with me and miranda, she is so much prettier than me. I woulndnt see any reason for jesse not to chose her, oh welll, i told myself that i didnt like jesse anymore, and its true. i dont like him as much as i did... i am so tired of being hurt by him, he doesnt try to hurt me either. so i feel insane when i say how much he hurts me and shit, he doesnt mean to, i know jesse loves me and i appreciate it so much, and i want to be with him, but i should be a prime example of not getting what you want. i talked to michael today because i was going to have a mental breakdown because my mom was all telling that i was a big diappointment to the family and that i am a big drunk, i used to be a pillhead but now i am a drunk and im a whore because im 16 and i am not a virgin.

welll, i have to go , eww i just asked jared to come over and i actually was going to try to do shit with him if he would... i am drunk... and lonely.
-Randie

Hello hello.,
I called jesse this morning and he was like can i call you back because i am sleeping. HMMM...naw it wasnt that bad i was just like okay you get your sleep.  But i called chris and we talked for awhile, and it was great. I really like chris and something tells me that he likes me also. I dont know, but he certainly flirts a lot, but i want to know. he is getting mr. roboto and H
i was invited to lulus party type thing with him and i need somene to ride with .

Hello Hello

- i cried so much yesterday. All because i was going to break it off with jesse. YOu know i am not dating him, but i was going to quit doing everything that i do. i would NOT suggest anyone to be a friend with benefits, especially females. I get my ass thrown down too much, i feel like i am something to him but really im nothing at all. Anyway, i was going to send him a letter in the mail...saying dont talk to me anymore, dont call and expect me to come and visit him anymore. but he called at 8 or so and i just was so happy that he called that i am just going to attempt to not let him hurt me and try to stop romantically loving him...just love him as a friend.  something in me says that i cant do it,

SIGH.... fuck why does it have to be so confusing.

-Randie

the thought of you...
DAMMIT IT KILLS ME!!  talk about some depression. I cannot stand doing anything anymore, i just want to lie in my bed. Suprisingly though, i am not suicidal.  I dont want to kill myself. i am so suprised actually that i made it this far.
BUT
my reason for being me, is my love wont love me back. He messes with other girls and uses me when im there. I called him the other day and he was like im on the other line with Miranda, so the too bad for you, litterally, and it fucking broke my heart. I was like fuck you, you dont have to be rude. and what do you know, he calls me last night, Randie, i miss you....im lonely

use me, use me, use me

and the sad thing is that he knows i want him .

-Randie

Hello, I had a dream about chris taylor last night. It was weird, i cant remember exactly what was going on...only that we were close and he was talking on the phone to kat in this one dream, and i went over there and accidently grabbed his dick and it was so awkward. i wanted to just walk away because he was talking on the phone to Kat, but he leaned and started kissing me while on the phone.

                                                    

 

 

 

i went to the mall today with falon, michael and amanda. OMFG, amanda moved back!!! i cant believe it, shes here in meridian, for good. She thinks at least. I am not sure what shes doing but she is going to all have to transfer all her files and go to my school. Now i am going to get to see her all the time. Anywho, i had a crazy night, chris was there and hes been really touchy feely with me. I wonder if he likes me like that, and if he does i would be full of smiles! oh man, if he did i would hit that ass so fast, i wonder a lot though. we met this dude names james up there, and hes fucking insane. Like i have seen anyone move so much and have such crazy facial expressions.

it'll be better now that amanda is here, i will always have someone and we can hang out like old times.

i have to go

me and amanda are going to party party.
-Randie the Great

Neopolitan Ice Cream

I cannot obsess over jesse anymore. I was so hurt last night when he started talking about Miranda and what sucks so much is that i know that jesse likes her more than me, but he has to be serious when he doesnt want a girlfriend because he doesnt even want to do anything with her. Relationship wise that is.

damn, i wish i never did anything with jesse. GAH.
i hate my life i am forever punished.

hey,
woah i just got back from Michaels and i got to hang out with my friends. My real friends...michael, falon, jordan, and alexa. Oh jared was there but like he counts. Fuck no. it was crazy they were all fucked up when i got there and i was asking them if they wanted to go ahead and drink with me but they didnt so yeah, i just drank by myself and then falon joined in a little. whatever we went to the beach, and i had a good time. I didnt feel all left out like normally, perhaps because i wouldnt allow it...hmm

okay night
-Randie